Just me

Did I change???
That’s the question I ask myself these days. My best-friend made such a comment (‘Coret, you have changed’). It may have been said in jest, but it definitely made me introspect.

What was that famous adage?? Doesn’t it go something like – ‘There is nothing constant, but change’ or ‘Change is the only constant’?

If I subject myself to this adage ( a universal truth) as a measurement of what I was and what I have become outwardly
( my weight keeps oscillating monthly, gone are my acne prone days, boy cut to long tresses, a confused boy wanna-be to a somewhat tolerable lady…et al ), then yes, I have definitely metamorphose!

However my ethos, my psyche is the same.

As a child and a teen-ager, I was restless. One moment, playing basketball was the ‘it’ thing for me. Next minute, making it to the football team was my only goal. It does not matter whether I have the natural talent or not. I would make it to the field every morning, religiously do the rounds, and judiciously try to learn the tricks. I was no star. I did not excel, was not a favourite but somehow I made it to the team!

Now, as an adult, a job holder, a team member, a team player, I don’t stand out, i rarely give my opinions but I would somehow make sure i am heard.

The same grit, spunk, un-dauntedness… border- lining on stubbornness (at times), keeps me going.

My aunt and her friends, loved to tease me. She would tickle me with a caution ‘If you love me, you will not laugh’. As ticklish and uncomfortable as I felt (most times, I had to refrain myself from hitting her), I would muster up all my strength and will- power, remained stoic and not laugh!
I hated to displease or offend her! (I was only a kid).
This characteristic of not wanting to displease anyone, has made its way into my adult life.
Fortunately, it has landed me in the good books of people(sigh!,which is not always good, i know).
Unfortunately, I have subjected myself to many awkward situations, an inch shy of getting into real trouble.

I loved with a fierceness, blind to a fault. I support with a die-hard attitude. The 1993 French Open Final. The clash between 2nd seeded Jim Courier and 10th seeded Sergei Bruguera.

Sergei Bruguera, I have never heard of him before.But somehow minutes before the final game started, I made a decision to support him. Why I fancied him in a second, I do not know!!! From the time he hit the first serve, I was at the edge of my seat, cheering, praying, crying at every point he lost (my amused family were egging him to lose, just to annoy me. Mom and sis were laughing at me). Every nerve of my being was on alert, and when Sergei sailed through 6-4 2-6 6-2 3-6 6-3, I was on my knees crying with joy. That memory is etched into our memories till today. Mom still love to tease me on that.

And so as an adult, I love the same. Fiercely, passionately, zealously- be it for a person or thing.
Through disappointment, tears, joy, happiness, smiles, pain, this would not change. I would still love this way. It’s the only way I know.

Drilled into our minds since childhood to love your neighbor as yourself, not to respond to evil with evil,instinctively my actions would be geared to doing just that(i try!).Dad had once said,'Be as gentle as a dove and as wise as a serpent'- i am still learning to live by it.Such was my upbringing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that certain peculiarities would never change.

I would still bump into anything that stood on my way; drop things involuntarily; get peeved if someone is rude; annoyed if the 4 curtsies – please, thank you, sorry, excuse-me are overlooked; for peace-sake keep my mouth shut, grin and bear with it; irked by unanswered calls/texts/ emails (am guilty of the same though); fret over trivial things and … many other vices.


My grandpa would trim the branches of the camellia tree every summer, so that next season, the camellia flower would bloom into a more luscious, healthy, vibrant pink. The branches of the tree re-grows but the roots remain the same.

My ethos would remain the same.

Don't hmm me!!!

The ‘hmm’ expression

I hate to be hmm at. It’s a downright rude expression!

And to my dismay, I found that it does exist in the dictionary.

Defined as an Interjection, it is an expression ‘to express thoughtful absorption, hesitation, doubt, or perplexity’. I am not surprised. But I would like to add to the definition.

I have been ‘hmm’ too many a times.

And the feeling I get is a perplexing one.

I ask a friend ‘You hung up on me all of a sudden. Did I say something wrong?’
An answer to this question could be yes or no.
However, incase my friend does not want to appear impolite, he could come out with a tactful answer, maybe something like ‘ Oh no, I pressed the wrong button. My bad. ’ (yeah right! ) or a more believable one like ‘ I don’t know how but the network just went off’ (in 6 cases out of 10, this could be a genuine answer).

But my friend said ‘ hmm, not at all’.

Wow, if it weren’t so pathetic, this could have made me laugh it off.
‘hmm, not at all’- he wants to appear tactful, courteously shrugging off the fact that what I said might have pissed him off, but he failed miserably… because to me the ‘hmm’ is a dead giveaway of your true sentiments.