Even for an anti-social like me, I do take time out to meet my girlfriends’ at least (Let’s forget for a second that this is a rare phenomenon… happening once in 3 or 4 months). :P
Our meetings usually begin with a luncheon at noon, followed by coffee at one of the numerous café coffee days (lovingly called CCD) sprawling all over Bangalore. It is often followed by dinner of course. Our animated conversations are usually colored with a lot of commiserations over the idiosyncrasies’ of the men we chose to love.
My good friend found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with (Bless her!). She convinced her family, and somehow warmed her way into the hearts of her fiancé ‘s family too. Since her fiancé works in a different city, she would often take those weekend flights to be with him, most times extending her stay, risking her otherwise successful career… its all for love, you see.
When he is drunk, he talks. He says, ‘ I love Shiela, I love Priyanka, I love Sheetal, and I love you ’. Stung, she asked ‘mere aur unke beech kya farq hai?’
( ‘ so how am I different from them’ ) to which he responded ‘ I can live without them, while I can’t live without you’.
(Is this supposed to be a consolation for my friend?)
And, so he continues in his late night chats with his numerous girl friends, lending his supposedly ‘big heart’ to them. When countered about it, he says ‘I love you, don’t I? I am going to marry you, am i not? So stay the hell out of this. What I do in my privacy is my choice.’
Another friend changed her lifestyle completely for him. On his insistence, she enrolled into a health club, attained the figure ‘he looked for in his woman’, changed her hairstyle, and overturned her wardrobe. She looks good! She does. A transformed woman, she definitely is. Then she looked at me and in a sullen voice, said ‘Yet, I often wonder, would he have loved me if I have not done all this for him... I feel good, yes. I have never felt this good in my life; it’s been worth it... (stammering) but what if… what if we don’t end up together for good…what would become of me?’.
Another long time friend of mine, is married to the love of her life. We met over coffee. This is one couple I really love. When they finally tied the knot, it was one of those moments in life when you smile and thought ‘life is not so bad, after all’ :)
While being happily married to him, she has one grouch. Whatever little time she has with her hubby between their jobs, was shared with ‘them’. Stunned, I asked ‘Who them?’. She answered ‘His parents’. I smiled. Isn’t that the common complaint of a million other wives, at least in our country? Somewhat pacified, she smiled, and we continue discussing other grouches ;-)
So, its not surprising, that when my friend Zee told me about the woman he hopes to marry and what he had asked of her; that with great difficulty I had to stop myself from hitting him!
Zee’s biggest request of his would be fiancé is that she should understand that when it comes to choosing between his mother and her (on any matter), his mother would always comes first. She should understand that.
And when his would be fiancé has second thoughts about this, he wonder why.
Are all men this obtuse? Is this why their women are head over heel in love with them, no matter what?
You wonder why we store messages in our inbox, and chose not to delete them as soon as we finish reading them? It’s simply because we love to re-read those messages, feel the underlying love in those words, and be reminded of it time and again.
We ask too many questions? We ask because you don’t communicate. Simple.
And so you would say, ‘Don’t you know me enough, to understand me? Can’t you decipher on your own?’ We can, and we do. But then again you come up and say ‘Why do you come to such a conclusion? Why in the hell do you assume things? Did I say such a thing?’
With all the peculiarities of men, there is one peculiarity of us women,that will stay.
No matter what, we would still love our men, turn a blind eye to their fault, and pretend to live in bliss.
Heavens have mercy on us! lol
(If not for its cuteness, it's downright pitiful :P)
All for love, we say :)
P.S. Names are not mentioned.But, Thanks for sharing girls!
Very well written, but a bit of a one sided view :) If I may defend the honor of men...
ReplyDeleteI would say there are a few things that define a relationship... trust , respect, space... and a crazy lil thing called love. As long as there is no majaor imbalance between the other three, love can make any relationship stable. But if any of the other three streches things too far for either partner, love becomes another word for compromise.
I would say it has nothing to do with gender... balance the three ... trust, space and space, love will take care of the rest
A very well written blog!! And yes.. sad but true. :D
ReplyDeletethe BF of your friend who enrolled into a health club should now live in constant fear of losing her since, now that she's got "the figure any man would desire"..
Aah! probably that's just a man's point of view.. :) but then again, if that happens, I wouldn't be surprised.
I salute the guy who has the patience to wait for someone to shape up to his expectation... but on second thought, why would anyone get something and later try to customize to their liking? (my wild guess - a bumper sale). i dunno if to admire or pity the person who has to undergo all that self-customization for that four letter word or cud this be just an excuse to bitch about their x(s) and y(s)...whatever, but i have a query - what about men who are not committed to any higher, fairer mortals around them? men who's made it clear that they come with an expiry date - would they be in a different category of pigs?
ReplyDeleteA nice piece, I must say. A few random thoughts coming to mind while going through it.
ReplyDeleteI feel most of such problems come since we don't really appreciate the joys and responsibilities that come along with a relationship. We might sometimes tend to relish the joys ignoring the responsibilities that are a part of that parcel.
We tend to think in a very subjective way sometimes. The "I" in capital letters becomes a lot more pronounced than what it actually should be. What we perhaps need to make us realize is that it is not the "I" that makes a relationship blossom but the "we"! A relation has its foundation in the fact that it is inclusive in nature. There are much greater chances of happiness and satisfaction in a relation if the foundation is of mutual respect, faith in one another and above all Love. "Never do something to someone that you dont want to be done to you" can solve lot many problems in life.
No one is a system in his own self. We must try to see and realize that we are a part of the system and what we do affects the other components of the system. A son is a part of the system of which the parents form the foundation and a wife would do well to realize this fact since she too is an integral part of the system with her husband. We don't select which part of our body is important--the right hand or the left leg--both are equally important in their own rights--all part of a larger system. The mantra for the successful co-existence of these components is that they know their work and also the other component's work and appreciate it rather than confronting each other. A husband would do well to understand that his wife has left her parents hourse to live her life with him and subsequently understand his duties towards her just as the wife would understand that the husband's parents role in bringing up her husband over time. A person who is not a good son....who is not a good brother....would rarely go on to become a good husband....
yea, well ....as u know...Men--can't live with them.period :D..
ReplyDeleteQuite an interesting insight into how women feel. Some interesting comments too.
ReplyDeleteHowever lets have a differet take on this.
I dont agree with the statement that "Don't do things to others what you don't want to be done to you". I fact, this belief is precisely the root of all problems. The issue with this belief is that at all times we have kept ourself as a point of reference. Consider this logic of arriving to a conclusion "When I am happy, I do this. Since my partner is not doing this, he is not happy.". Similarly " If I love someone, I do that for him/her. Since my partner is not doing that for me,she/he does not love me." No wonder why so many reletionships fail!!
What we fail to realize is that men n women are genetically different. When God created men and women, it assigned different roles to both of them. That is why it embibed them with different traits and qualities. That is why they perceive and respond differently to the same circumstances. With the risk of being prototyped as a conservative I would add that God created Man as a source of "power" while Women as a means to"control and guide the power". Here lies the is the catch. They are not the same, rather they are complimentary. And even as humanity has evolved and we have fitted ourselves accordingly, the root remains the same; it is in our genes to behave like the way we were made to; it is inherent. Rather than trying to force one to think and act like the other,we should accept each other as we are; because we are the best when we be what we really are.
Things that mean a lot to a girl may not seem that important to a boy and vice versa. This is precisely why madam's friend keeps the messages in her inbox and presumes that since her partner is not doing the same he does not love her so much. And this happens both ways. I hear many males crib about their partner's lack of libido which make them presume that she is not happy with the relationship. This presumption is what causes the strain in a relationship. Not keeping track of the anniversaries might be as normal for a boy as it is for a girl to go on for weeks without getting physically intimate with her partner. Here is where our wishdom plays a part. It is important to find out the partner's choices. This is what love is: to explore, to find out, to understand, to accept and to acknowledge . We should realize that each person has his/her own way of loving and their medium of expression can be different too. We cannot decide that our mode is the best; bcoz we too are the part of a system. Love ceases the moment we stop exploring. So rather than wondering if her partner would still have loved her if she were not so physically attractive, mam's frnd should accept this as his medium of expressing his love and comply to the request. She is bound to have surprises in store for her in return.
Perhaps this is why there is no predefined formula for a successful relationship: bcoz no same formula can be applied to two different set of relationship; bcoz no two individuals are identical. Each relationship as to discover its own formula....
Coretta Maam! You have the above comment (Anurag) from one of the best minds of KEC! :-)
ReplyDeleteYes Shail. Anurag, Welcome. Glad to get to know you even if its through this forum. Your thoughts are appreciated! :-) Expect my email.
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of the things Anurag said, however I still stick to "Don't do things to others what you don't want to be done to you". The perpective in which Anurag sees that statement is different from what I mean. Let me try to explain again in the simplest possible terms. Evolutionary Psychology has made man and woman behave differently. There are qualities in them that complement each other and hence the union of these two sets (man and woman) comes out to be 1. (Read: "Evolutionary theory’s increasing role in personality and social psychology" paper by G.D. Webster) However before being man and woman we are all essentially humans and owing to this common genre we inherited some common features from the creator (love, compassion to name a few...). Most of us all love to be loved and hate to be hated. Here I am not considering those personalities that have risen above the notions of good and bad, of laughter and tears, of victory or loss--basically people who have attained the state of "worklessness" (Bhagwad Gita: Chapter 4, verse -3,4). The average person is still driven by the more common human attributes. Most of the people would like to be loved, immaterial of his/her social position (check Warren Buffet's comments on: what he thinks is success to him). Similarly most would hate to be hated (ignored, disregarded, unattended...). So when I say don't do something to others that you don't want to be done to you, I mean love others since you want to be loved; care for others, since you want to be cared for; consider other's viewpoints, since you want your thoughts to be accounted for; don't hate others since you don't want to be hated; dont disregard others, since you dont want to be disregarded.
ReplyDeleteResearches say that the initial "crush" between opposite sexes wanes after 18-24 months. So what keeps them together. It's mutual love--that finds expression not in any extraordinary fashion but in the seemingly small daily things of life. Imagine a man coming home and throwing all his belongings around in a messy way. If the wife expects him to be slightly more disciplined so that their house looks neat, I don't think a reson like--"I am genetically programmed for this" on the part of man would serve the purpose. One of the wonderful offshoots of Love is empathy. So instead of sticking to one's point--"I am this way....like me as I am or get lost", I feel its better to try and understand what the other person wants and what doesn't want. There is always a middle path possible that makes everyone happy. Remembering birthdates may not be important to someone but if remembering your partner's birthday (for that matter anyone you love-your parents, siblings, friends) makes them feel special and gives them happiness, what is the harm in overcoming your genetic appliance model programmed system and trying to be a more empathetic and compassionate human being!
Having said all this, its no use if we don't apply them into practice. The value of good thoughts can only be realised if they get transformed into action. Life is very funny...we think something and sometimes do just the opposite. The essence is to think pure and act as you think....
correction: Its Gita: Chapter 4, verse: 20-22
ReplyDeleteA very well thought and written blog.and intriguing questions that are raised are unasnwered.....But I do agree with a comment already posted earlier that the blog is one sided view.
ReplyDeleteOther than that one tiny excruciating question revolves in my mind and also often had the mortification at the receiving end from the XX gene that when they (Women)get married they dont want to stay with Parent-inlaws ( i.e virtually seperating the son from his mother) but when the same women marries her son to the daughter in law expects him to be obedient son who listens to her whims and fancies and not of his wife's?????????
I know there might be lot of women who would be quite Odious to this question but "Selfish"!! would be a conveninet euphemism or a gross understatement.
A son who was protected nurtured and seen growing since birth has to be handed over to a lady who has come in sons life for a year and so???? for what joy?
I am a person who accumulate the data first from various sources before coming to conclusion. To my surprise every single women I have met in my life had the same cycle following in her life.
Yes I understand A wife comes home leaivng her relation to be with the man of her life. But if thats seen as a sacrifice then our culture is heading in a wrong direction. A lady walks in the new home as a home maker and not as a Home Breaker.
I think the new generation of women have this thought of having there own home with kid and husband,,,,,,,,but she fails to forsee that same kid one day might leave the same old couple if he gets the wife with same mentality.
I know lot of women will Name me as MCP after reading this...but justa small thought that I have in my mind ...thought will express in here.
And as far as changing onceself is considered ( physically) if the one looks good and its for betterment wots the harm?
Hey Coretta,
ReplyDeleteYou did it again. You provoked kecians once more and made them express their views. To most part of it, I agree to your point of view(With respect to Ashish and others comment). My view based on my observation of guys and practical life. Not in the mood of putting logic-counter logic, may be some other time. But where are the girls? I wish Chitrita, Nimisha and gang should be here with you to produce more arguments.
I enjoyed the post and more than that the comments.
Hoping for more salvo on this blog.
Ashish, Abin, Reaves,Shail, Karthik, Anurag, Shamsher ---- Thank You so much for your thoughts on this topic!
ReplyDeleteThis subject seems to have touch some chord in all of you!I never imagined the extent though :)
The heartwarming fact is we all seem to agree one thing that 'Love cannot fail... it trusts, respects, is patient and is kind'....
Mr Anonymous-- It serves me/us well to read your thoughts! Respect!If you so happen to pass by again one day, please do leave in your good name :-) The person behind the great thoughts, sure do has a name :-).
Thank you all!
U know who I am...... reason for to be anonymous is to have few questions raised without having already biased view. U knowme by now who iam so let me by anonymous to the readers. its much more fun
ReplyDeletehey...i almost felt as if u had taken some words out of my mouth...well written...didn't know you could write with so much candour and feeling
ReplyDeletedeary ...this topic sure create a lot of racket.....trust me am enjoing it..by the way , we need to talk about mr anonymouus, jus me n u , later.
ReplyDelete