This is me

(Watched the movie  Guzaarish last night. It's a tear jerker no doubt.However it spoke to me on a different level.The protagonist Ethan Mascarenhas (Hrithik Roshan) 's plight struck a chord of my life...what was, what could have been and who I am now. There are still shadows I'll have to deal with cause shadows don't go away...they stay with you. Faith Hill sang the song 'This is me'. I could have sung it too)




Yeah I have my addictions
And keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
What i do and who i am
All my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

My heart break for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself


I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when i see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if  I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else


(P.S. Thank you HimS for being there)

My conversation lump

Yes, the last time I felt a lump on my throat and could not speak was just yesterday.
Hold on to your horses. Don't fret. I am talking about a figurative lump.

The lump I’m referring to is a ‘conversation stumper’.

A conversation stumper (cliffhanger) is a topic or a thing, if brought up, will put at least one of the parties ill-at-ease. If continued, it has the potential of ending all dialogues between the two parties. For the time being, of course!

  (If not then India and Pakistan would have stopped dialogues on Kashmir long ago).

 There are many such lumps we come across almost everyday.

  

  ‘Two friends sitting at a coffee shop, strained smiles and chit-chats. Moments ago, both had a religious debate. One had applauded the Christian missionaries for the many educational institutions they’ve set up. The other, a born hindu vehemently argued it to be a Christian conversion tactic.’

 ‘Both wife and husband retired to their bedroom at night in silence. What started off as a normal family dinner that night, turned distressing  when her mother-in-law was conspicuously critical of her kitchen skills. Her husband,did nothing to redeem her image in front of his mother.’

  ‘A usually vibrant group of friendly colleagues were unusually silent that day. They stood together and yet were apart on their smoking break.Each one was unhappy with ones performance review and not really exuberant of the others’ promotion’

 

Religion, issues with the mother-in-law, salary variation are just some of the various conversation stumpers I have heard of.

I am sure there are many out there, trivial ones or otherwise.

 But the biggest conversation stumper for me is the issue of my marriage.

 Yeah, you heard that right!  

 M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E

 Not just any marriage but my marriage.

The fact that I am not married as yet seems to tickle so many people I know. It’s funny if only it does not get  exasperating for me!

 Let me give you an example.

  

I was so happy to meet a friend after ages. Its almost 9 years since we’ve last seen each other. Of course, we’ve been in touch.She got married, moved to the US, has a little boy since the last time we met. Bravo! Happiest for her, I am.

But there is one topic that always drives her nuts and me nuttier. Yeah, it’s about my marriage. Sigh.

 A typical conversation would be…

‘ aur batao. When are you getting married?’ she’ll ask.

‘ Aww, come on, you know me…it will happen when it will’, would be my typical and sincere answer.

‘ Come on dear, think about yourself sometimes. It’s high time. I know you are independent but think about the later years. How can you be alone?’,she’ll reprimand me.

….. And on and on it goes until I could successfully change the topic to her little boy, how fast he’s grown and how naughty he’s getting.

My friend isn’t the only one nagging me on this. 

There are other friends.

There is this one who would suddenly scream in the middle of a telephone conversation (maybe some spirit seizes her body at the time, who knows)…

 ‘CC!!!, get married na!’…

Stunned for a second, I would then react ‘What the…what got into you?!’ (shush…I don’t want to offend her by mentioning about the spirit)

Then in a contrite, cajoling voice she would say,‘Arey, get married na. I want to play with your small small….small… chubby kids. They would be so cute’

Heavens!, she not only wants me to get married but she has already predicted that I’ll have many chubby kids :- )

My friends have such beautiful thoughts for me. Touching and endearing, it is.

But I repeat (at the risk of sounding highly piss off), it is so exasperating!

It changes the entire tone of the conversation because one party (that’s me obviously) is not entirely gung-ho about the subject.

For all of the questioners out there, let me set things straight:

• No, I don’t think marriage is useless, un-necessary or society’s way of legalizing sex. 
• I am not a case of once bitten twice-shy. I have not given up on love because love has given up on me (once upon a time) 
• I am not too career-oriented or driven, the so called ‘high-flying, aggressive, modern woman’ you have in mind
•   When you whine about problems in your marriages, I understand and empathize. I don’t gloat or say ‘I told you so’
•   I am of the opinion that marriage is a beautiful institution, a nurturing set-up for any couple, a healthy set-up for bringing up kids and it gives birth to wholesome families
•     While I believe in marriage, it is not my sole purpose in life. It is not a destination. If along my journey, marriage greets me, I’ll welcome it. 
•    For now, I’ll continue to love, to live and to give fully.

 Marriage or no marriage, I'll live abundantly and victoriously.

 Signing off with the hope that I would not be asked this question again…

Impossible wish, I know...

Parting on a lighter note... enjoy this image...