Friday, October 19, 2007

Deliverance ??

I was on my knees, hands folded, staring at the blank wall.
In the distance I could hear Shania crooning ‘find your self esteem and be forever free to dream’.

Far-reaching were her words, but somehow I was no closer to an answer.
Tomorrow I would change, and today would not mean a thing.

I looked at me and I see a child and a mother.
At times I’m a sinner, now and then a saint.
I can be your dream, but I chose to be unworthy.
I have faith in the triumph of goodness, over evil;
But I succumbed without a fight to iniquity.

And, they still look at me like am an angel underneath.

Am I to be ashamed?

Can we just fast forward a few years later,
Can I just wash my hands clean and walk away;
Can I just wrap this part of me as history and sweep it under a rug,
Will my memory be so selective, as to never bring up this side of me ever again?

I know what I really want.
I want some patience, I need deliverance.
I want to make sense of the conflicts, the craziness in silence.
If there could only be a kindred soul who would catch this drift;
Cause I am so strung out and sapped.

I woke up this morning, with a new song.
My heart felt lighter, for reasons I fail to understand.
There was buoyancy in my gait, and a fresh whiff in the air.
Perplexed, I am over this turn of emotions;
I’m still trying to embrace this reversal of my sentiments.

Pray what did happened between the time I closed and opened my eyes?
Did the Maker intercede? Did he send his seraphs to whisper in my dreams?
It must be so.
For somehow, I feel so much better.





Thursday, August 16, 2007

Not Yet Home....

It’s midnight. I find myself walking in circles in the terrace.
Under the serene starry night, I can hear the rustling of the leaves of the coconut tree, the distant beckoning sound of a train, the screeching of an R1 bike as it comes to a halt…

Yes, they are sights and sounds of a city life.

As soothing as the night sky and the cool breeze is, my mind refuses to breathe easy. It is wandering arbitrarily, with no sense of purpose, no direction.

The far off running train is seductively enticing me to that place call home. Somewhere in my sub conscience, I can hear the soft tunes of a celebrated song call ‘Home’ … resonating.

‘I'm going home,Back to the place where I belong,And where your love has always been enough for me.I'm not running from.No, I think you got me all wrong.I don't regret this life chose for me.But these places and these faces are getting oldSo I'm going home.Well I'm going home…’

Home!

The tiny word brings up such tenderness in ones heart, its as if one was touched and deeply moved.

But Why?

When we speak of home, we often understood it as a place, an abode where our family resides. It brings up a feeling of being connected or something you identify with.

Its absolutely right.

However, is that it? Are family ties, unconditional love, acceptance all that is to Home?

I would like to think not.
I would rather have a far more definitive, complete, concluding, conclusive, nailed down understanding of Home.

I know I am home, when I have arrived.

Right now, am still a wayfarer who most often than not, hitch hike on rides, rub shoulders with fellow travellers, at times uplifted-at times crestfallen by their stories, touched by the ordinary, awed by the miracles, learning, observing, discovering, inspired, heart-broken, and still far from having arrived.

I have not taken the first step towards Home yet.

I am yet to discover myself.

26 years, educational qualifications, a pretty job, an equally good life does not mean I know anything about myself.
Yes, its pretty scary.
No wonder am circling this terrace!

But hey, I do know one thing though… I am curious to learn. And, that will suffice for now.

I got a long way to go. One day, I’ll stop walking in circles.
I’ll be Home.
Amen to that.

Monday, June 25, 2007

A Blunder




I love watching the sit-coms in star world. Whether it’s in the genre of ‘The Simpsons’ and ‘My wife and kids, or the professional goof ups, angst, gaffes, relation-ships, comedy-of-life in ‘ 30 Rock’ and ‘Grey’s anatomy’.

Oh the saga of sit-coms , does not end here. The list is long but we’ll stick to these to be ‘in context’.

Whether its Homer Simpson and his endless faux pas, or Liz and her continual retreat from ‘herself’; aren’t they more or less a reflection of ourselves?

Society in the reel-world, look at such characters with either pity or sympathy, and most often than not, with disdain. Well, isn’t this a miniature replica of society in the real world?


Homer Simpson ‘ eats up his feelings’. I mean literally.
And am no different!
Succumbing to an extra plate of noodles in one of my low phases; the ‘strings of fried-flour’ might as well cover the hole in my soul.

Liz Lemon’s life revolves around the lives of her stick-in-the-ass boss, her neurotic best friend, the monkeyshines of Tracy-the TV star. In short, she was fixing everybody’s life but her own!
And here I am tearing off my hair in dilemma, embroiling myself in the lives and problems of others.

And the icing in the cake is that, watching these sit-coms is one of my great-escapes!

I am one heck of a Social Blunder :)

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Human Spirit

...She was of 20 years. She led a good life. A well-respected loving family, friends by the dozen, a college degree to pursue, a boy friend, a hundred and one million things to do; in short a picturesque lifestyle.
Hell broke lose one day, when an expression of her love and passion, had dire consequences. She found out she was three weeks pregnant. Outside wedlock, this is not the done thing.
Not just because society frowns upon it but she had her father’s reputation to protect.
He was an established preacher in the community.
Confining herself in solitude, she stopped attending classes, began gorging on books, and resorted to pills in-order to quiet the growing life inside her, until one day she was discovered.

The house had the aura of a funeral home. Quiet sobs, with an occasional wailing here and there filled up the rooms. A devastated family stood around, shocked, bewildered,
in-decisive about the next course of action. It’s a marvel how the undying human spirit shows up at such times. It guides us to pick up the broken pieces, patch them together and build an equally beautiful story of triumph.
She finally gave birth to a beautiful baby, walked down the isle with the child’s father, created a life for them as a family, working odd jobs; completed her degree, went on to attain her masters with honors. She is now in pursuit of a Phd in Education, while lecturing at a University, lovingly and selflessly putting her house in order—a handful 24/7 job needless to say, with two small kids and an equally busy husband.
____________________________________________________________________

..........She is now of 40 years, single and with job. The youngest daughter in a community that, apart from handing over the family legacy to the youngest daughter, also hands over the cloak of duty and responsibility of providing, protecting and caring for the parents, old and most likely worn out with the aches and pains of life.
She had (still does) a beauty and a charm about her and yes more than a handful suitors.
Yet, she chose not the path of a married life. None of her loved ones could understand the reason why. Maybe its because she never met the right man. But on after-thought, maybe its because she wanted to give her undivided love and attention to either her aged parents or her husband but not both.

Looking at her now, juggling between her work and her nursing duty at home brings up emotions mind you, not of sadness or sympathy, but awe!
Her home is the family home, where all gathered around for family meets or occasions.
Her ears are always ready to listen and make your burdens, seem lighter.
I have heard and seen frequent nights when she remained awake all night just to cater to the needs of her invalid parents. Yes, I have heard her quiet sobs of weariness but voila, the next minute her giving, loving, compassionate spirit is back!
I realized that if I was even half the woman, the human that she is, maybe my life would be more fulfilled..,I won’t have to be another Robert Miles who says he has miles to go before he sleep.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

When two old friends meet...


Their story dated way back to the 90’s.
They started off with a bang in the last year of school.
They soon became inseparable while in college.

Through those early woman years, they dreamt together, shared, laughed and cried.
Through crushes and similar love interests, they revel.
Attending tuitions together, added the fizz in their academic pursuits.
In their clumsy grown up years, they tried to live ‘beyond their ages’ for each other; counseling, reprimanding, tried to give each other the wisdom that can only come with age. So in this endearing comedy of ‘being there for each other’, they flourished.

Two girls, both the youngest in their respective khasi*- families, fed with similar values and principles, schooled in the same institution, reservoirs of big dreams: one wanted to be a doctor , a good daughter and wife , while the other wanted to be an engineer, gain wealth, power and fame.

In their similar attributes they relish and in their differences, they grew in respect.


College years drew to a closed. It was time to go in pursuit of your dreams. While one went off to a different state to learn what it takes to become an engineer, the other stayed back in Shillong, hoping to get a foothold in the medical field.

They parted but of-course, never said good-bye. In course of time, the frequent letters became infrequent, till there were none. The holidays were re-union time-sharing, bonding, laughing on lost times. Soon changes in lifestyles, thinking, people, priorities, experiences, did not bring them together on holidays. It was such that, one was unaware of the other’s presence in the same city. None was to be blame. Time just had its cards to play.


But lo and behold, on one fine Friday noon, the 2nd of March, 2007…while she was passing through a busy shopping area in Shillong, she saw a pretty petite lady in jainsem.
‘Jenny!’ she shouted in pleasant disbelief.
Stunned, the petite lady shouted back ‘Yet, is it really you!’.
In seconds and in smiles, they were hugging each other.
It took less than a mili-second for that old feeling of warm, camaraderie, loving friendship to overwhelm them.

The more bubbly and vivacious of them both, Jenny was ecstatically shouting ‘We need to meet now! We have a lot of catching up to do. I have so much to tell you. Let’s have coffee somewhere. Yet, today, tonight, now…we need to talk’.

Bemused but wonderfully touched by Jenny’s warm and lovable nature (something Yet always cherishes about Jenny), Yet could not say no.

In a matter of 30 mins later, the two old friends met up at New Hope Centre restaurant.


Jenny, has come a long way. With honors in MSc, she is now a distinguished lecturer in Martin Luther’s University, Shillong. She is a gem of a lady, well-loved by many (especially counting by the line of suitors she has), a well-deserved princess in her family, highly responsible and dutiful. And oh yes, as lively and so ‘full of stories’ as ever.

The highly ambitious Yet, is in the rat race of climbing the corporate ladder, working in an American IT company. She is forever in the battle of trying to bring a balance between her professional duties and the call of duty at home- for her parents.

So it was inevitably that when the two old friends got together, they set the house on fire, in no time.

After 7 years of being in and out of touch with each other, they sure do have a lot to catch up on. Through two rounds of coffee, they went through the bits and pieces of each others work lives, family lives and of-course, their rollercoaster love lives.
They have been tried and tested in similar yet, unrelated ways. It amazes them that at 26, they were single, almost committed and still so confused.
They have not done so badly with their lives. They have worn the ‘mantel of responsibility’ for their parents and siblings with grace and élan. But they still marvel at the fact that even-though they are now well accomplished, financially independent and secured, they have still to find that ‘magic formula’(if there was any) to make the men in their lives as comfortable as they felt. As loving and giving as they both are, they felt bereft of the same.
Thus, they concluded that if you are a woman who is of 25 years, still not married or hitched, you will soon be at the crossroads of the most tumultuous, tear jerking, complex phase of your life; where even if you have carved a niche for yourself , you would still be left wondering, where the hell is your life heading!

The non-stop chattering, sobs, smiles, comforting words between two friends had to end, as the noon turned into night, and as the Shillong night air turned cooler. They hugged, provided each other with comforting words and advices, promised to be in touch with the exchange of email-ids and phone numbers, bid good-bye till…time favors their meeting again.

They parted as friends, as kindred-souls, as two girls each living a woman’s life….

Their innocence and sincerity is there for every living soul to see and feel.








Monday, February 26, 2007

Kaleidoscope


Bits & pieces of me....

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Of heroes & lessons

When all is stripped away, we look within our hearts.
While this is a typical human retreat, it could be a relevation of something as cryptic as what made you who you are now. Would you bleed when pinced or would you counteract, would you smile or cry with happiness...
I don't have an idol nor an ideal. But i have come across heroes, ate with them,sup with them,withnessed their lives, and their simple acts of living, have helped shaped me for what i am today.
'Mei Emma'-the most dedicated mother ever.She was my governess till i was 10 years old.I was the apple of her eye;i was her weakness too.I recall , to my detriment she would rather support me, even if i had wronged my sister .She provided that critical security required in the formative years of a child, that when she finally passed away, i did not even blink!
That's the strength of true love...it lives on.
I saw how the struggles and the daily-grind of his 20 years as a coolie,has etched on his face, lines of prudence and humility.He did his task with deligence,making it all look so easy and effortless, despite his limping and his old-aged.In the hury and bury of the Guwahati railway station, my folks missed out on giving him his well-earned wage.His face, his thoughts has resided in my mind for many years now.He has kept me sane and humane.He helped me think before i disregard another being because of his vocation or social-standing.
Nine luggages and no reservation, i was stranded at Kathgodam railway station.With a general class ticket on my hand,i was helpless.How was i suppose to get into the general compartment with nine baggages,in the rush?Well, angels do exist.Out of no-where, this young nondescript lad turned up, took my luggages, shoved them inside the train boggie and got me a seat. Bewildered as i was, i was thankful.I found myslef lodge in a compartment full of men-folks, wooden seats and the thought of having a night's rest, just flew out the window.Against my will, i nodded off to sleep, only to find my head resting on the lad's shoulder in the wee morning hours.He assured me not to worry and eventually he even made sure i arrived safely in Delhi.
I have not forgotten you Arjun.Your thoughtfulness have made me a better person more than you'd ever know.
Little acts like these by strangers i have met in my journey so far;
their stories shared in words and seen through their eyes;
Have definitely shaped my outlook.
There are many more stories to be told of refined individuals, living ordinary lives who have become my heroes through the years...
I hope i lived long enough to tell their stories.
For now all i could do or say...is hope that
'In my life, you are lifted up.
In my world, you are lifted up.
In my prayers, you are lifted up.'

Thursday, February 15, 2007

No Doubt (This is what keeps me going...)

There is a time to take a reckless leap of faith,
There is a time to be cautious and wait.
And there's a way of learning from the past,
That the time of trouble won't last.

And sometimes we want to think we know,
the way He will chose to make us grow.
But its never the way of our chosing,
And we can't always see what He is using.

No doubt, it will be alright
With God, it will all work together for good.
No doubt in the end it will be understood.

There will be winters in the seasons of our souls,
With the cold and bitter wind that chills our lives;
But our faith can be building a fire,
That will warm us till springtime arrives.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

...Cruise...

2 years has just blitzed by me...

So my reflective mood is understandable.
Cilche as it sounds, i have come a long way since 14 Feb, 2005.

That direly morning, in pitch darkness the bike went out of control and bam!, my head took the heaviest physical beating ever.
Its suffice to say, it beat the living daylights out of my loved ones. As i stayed unconcious on the hospital bed, they were in angst.

As i opened my eyes, dazed, unable to comprehend what is happening around me--That's when my 'real living' started.

Its an understatement to say that i was like a zombie.As i was recuperating, i was trying to bring back a semblance into my mind (a task not made easy, as my head chose to play a rigmarole,inducing excruciating pain).I was wondering, how did this happen,why did it all happen, what happens next, what has broken and how was i suppose to pick up the pieces??

Slowly, life got back into so called normality.
It wasn't easy.There were a lot of emotions gone awry, and in the midst of trying to set things straight, i lost more that what i had bargain for.Yes, it brought up a huge wall between me and my best-friend.Our friendship was in pieces. But hey, at the same time, i gained more that what i had ever dreamed of.I met and gained a friend,a comforter,a soul-mate, and if fate permits-a life time companion.
Looking back,it feels sadistic that 'one man's lost is another man's gain' or is it 'you lose some, you gain some'???

Well student life finally came to an end.We moved on in the hope of building a career for ourselves.With the Almighty's grace, i landed myself in a good job with a handsome deal, in one of the leading life-insurance companies.I was looking forward to a career in Pune city, when fate decided otherwise.I was posted to Siliguri,a small town in the East of India.Needless to say, but i was deeply dissapointed.

My experience in Siliguri did not last long as i chose to quit,believing i could do better.But the experience did give me a taste of the mundane office-work;the unavoidable office politics;the person who smiles with you, is not necessarily your supporter;and i saw how the indian work culture does not bow down to any foreign work-etiquettes.

Back in Pune, i was on the job hunt.But atlast, with the inspiration from my friend, i moved to Bangalore in search of better pastures (maybe this city-hopping is an inherent trait of our so called nomadic ancestors :) )
Yeah, rightly said that if 'one door closses, another one opens up'. So there i was learning the ropes again, working with Oracle.Next time someone tells you, education is important, for your own good, don't take it as your Bible.Because what you do in your job, is a re-engineering of whatever was taught to you rather an application of what you had learnt.
By then i was a seasoned player in the job world.
As pompous as i may sound, i knew what i wanted, what fires me up, what am good at, and what makes me sleep with a smile at the end of a hard day at work.

So, am happily settled now with Ariba Technologies.
Learning and applying what i learned, has never been more exciting.

Three jobs in a matter of one and a half years, broken and rebuilt relations,losing some-winning others,beliefs shaken-beliefs strengthen,love lost-love gain, giving in to drawing the line, cuppachino to coffee mocha...

Yes, i am alive...
and am living it...


Some questions still remain unanswerd...and i don't know if they will ever be...

It is safe to say, am geared up...excited to see what fate throws my way. Whatever comes, whatever happens, i sure do hope that i will be wearing my head upon my shoulders, and my heart upon my sleeves :)




Thursday, February 08, 2007

Yes i am not afraid to love


The Rose

by Amanda McBrooom from the soundtrack to "The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river

that drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger,

an endless aching need.

I say love, it is a flower,

and you its only seed.


It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.I

t's the one who won't be taken,

who cannot seem to give,

and the soul afraid of dyin'

that never learns to live.


When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been to long,

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong,j

ust remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Put your house in order first...

The news seems to blaze each and every news channel for weeks now ...
It has been and still is the hot topic of discussion whether its CNN-IBN or NDTV or BBC ...Oh, lets not forget the vernacular news channels.
India's dignity was shredded... an ignorant britisher passed some comments on the eating style of a indian bollywood star. This screams racism!!
The Bristish media and the House of Commons was quick to condemn it.
The world was quick to condemn it.
Back home, in India, protests broke out everywhere.Indians all over were quick to retaliate against so called racism.The communal riots in Bangalore and Mumbai was forgotten in the noise,lost in the hue and cry-'how can anyone criticized the Indian life-style'. For that one second in donkey's years, Indians at home and all over the world unite in one voice.
Strange, that we are ready to raise heaven and hell because a foreigner, alien to our culture, in her lack of wisdom, questioned the eating style of our Indian sister;Will we do the the same if an Indian says the same thing to an Indian brother?
I am from the unobtrusive picturesque land of Shillong, in Meghalaya.W e are part of a group of people addressed as the "north-easterners' by the mainstream Indian. I used the word 'mainstream' not to be offensive but to bring out the stark irony we live in.The North-Eastern people have always been looked at with what i called 'the jaundice eye'.Yes, our culture is different from the gujurati's of western india, or the kannadigas of southern india, or even the kumaoni's of north india.But in the midst of our differences, the bottomline is we are Indians.
We are a group of people protective about our cultural roots but also gifted with a sense of humour. Often we have been teased on our looks ( addressed as chinkies), our food, our life-styles.We take it all in our stride. We laugh along with the rest of India.Ask me, i can relate many such stories.Infact, by laughing along with such jokes passed in good-spirits, it became an ice-breaker and i have formed many long-lasting friendships.
But all is not spic and span.
Sometimes, the merry-jokes crosses the limits of proprietary.
Our hands our tied. We cannot retaliate. We are out-numbered.
The hot-headed or the valiant amongst us who dares to raise our voice, only end up 'digging graves for ourselves'.We cannot expect to strive socially and in our professions if we don't 'grin and bear'.
I wonder if this is not racism?
I am sure this is not an issue that only the so called 'chinkies' faces. The gujjus, the mallus ,the biharis etc must be going through the same ordeal.
Oh yes, you say this is inevitable. Afterall we live in India where people of varied cultures live and strive. It is only natural that such differences arises.
True.
But, before we set the world in order, why don't we set our country in order?
Before we point a finger at a person alien to our Indian culture, why don't we embrace our differences first?
Atlast, one can only sigh and say ' It is all but a comedy of errors'.
(Disclaimer: This article is not meant to scandalise your senses and defintely not meant to offend anyone (truth is hard to swallow??). It is not a denial that racism does not exist in our society.It actually show how anesthetize we all are.Ofcourse,there are bigger problems out there. But i surely hope we do not lose our humanity in the process)

Happy Zone

I took an off from work today.
Thought, what is the harm in chilling out by my own? (Of-course, in the comfy of my apartment).
I was almost successful, except for a call from office demanding me to get online and on the phone for a meeting. Sigh, who ever said freedom is our right :)

Anyways, I was cheered up by a feel-good movie called ‘Kate and Leopolt’. Made me come to terms with my girlish dreams and fantasies again. Oh yeah, it was a make-believe movie but it made me feel alive again! So what the heck!

Its every girl’s dream that a knight or a gentleman (as mentioned in old Barbara Cartland romantic novels) appears in a white majestic horse, scoops her up or mounts her in to the horse with him, and they both ride away into the horizon. Whew, just the thought of it, makes me melt.

Yes it’s every girl’s dream. Even the fast paced, career-driven woman sometimes loses herself in that wish. Even the most brusque, matter-of-fact, tyrannical head-mistress has a soft spot.

A woman develops a defense mechanism around her as she dealt with the cards life throws at her. Often, her attention being taken over by survival instinct; the soft, gentle, safe-zone of her fantasies get bulldoze into the background.

Its moments like this- watching a movie and getting lost in its character, which brings back the softer side.
It brings back the saner side of life. Yes, its an irony that a fantasy can do that!

And you know what? When you come out of the fantasy, you are not remorseful because reality strikes back. You are actually rejuvenated!

Who needs shrinks or counselors when one can just get lost into your fantasies and come back with a bounce!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Benumbed

' You dont lose something you never had'...this line cropped up in my mind, troubling me instead of comforting me.
It sent a chill down my spine and a piercing pain into my heart.

Perusing through the writings for a loved one , i suddenly had this premonition that i may lose him.He may no longer be a part of my life.Thats when this thought cropped up 'You don't lose something you never had'.

Have, Had? Is it the same as 'owning' something?The dictionary does uses words like acquire,possess,procure, occupy,own,get,hold.This does sound like something could ' belong to you'. But it also uses words like enjoy,accept,teem with!
While the former descriptions sounds abominable, the latter sounds nice, kind and gentle.

I was more confuse than ever.

So what is to 'lose'? What does one mean by 'losing'? Do you just lose or do you lose something?I am sure they do not mean the same thing.
Well, to my physical-education teacher 'to lose' would mean you failed to win,you have become poorer than what you already are in mind, body and spirit.
To a philosopher losing would mean 'another stepping stone to success'.
My pastor would say 'losing means the time is not right for you to excel.In God's time, it will happen'.
To my mom, 'losing is an opportunity for you to be kind to another being who needed something more than you do'.

Well its not a very pleasing subject to ponder upon.
A part of me despises myself for coming up with such thoughts.
Its strange that such a thought even ocurred. I have always believed that i am made of stronger straw and i do not 'belong to or associate with' ....
Is it just a facade?
I am chill to my bone...



Thursday, January 18, 2007

Have not been able to give my time to this blog...
Been busy with work and commitments :)
Will get back asap !!! ciao
Got alot to pen down....so i will be back soon

From a Distance-( Bette Milder)

From a distance the world looks blue and green,and the snow-capped mountains white.
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,and the eagle takes to flight.
From a distance, there is harmony,and it echoes through the land.
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,it's the voice of every man.
From a distance we all have enough,and no one is in need.And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,no hungry mouths to feed.
From a distance we are instrumentsmarching in a common band.Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.
They're the songs of every man.God is watching us. God is watching us.God is watching us from a distance.
From a distance you look like my friend,even though we are at war.
From a distance I just cannot comprehendwhat all this fighting is for.
From a distance there is harmony,and it echoes through the land.
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,it's the heart of every man.
It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,God is watching us from a distance.
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching.God is watching us from a distance

Follow this site

Follow this site >